A wolf in sheep’s clothing

Chronic pain

Well time to come clean and share that I have a *hidden disability* I won’t bore you with many details just that I live in chronic constant pain. It has a few effects on my life that I resent. The first is decreased mobility at times a pain in the arse when you’ve always been highly active and the second is profound anger.

I am angry nearly all the time, with myself and with the world in general… if I don’t deal with my anger in an appropriate way it turns into another form of hidden disability *depression*.

A complete and utter dark blanket of melancholy descends isolating you from the realities of the world and those around you. You may laugh, smile and appear to the outside world as if there is nothing wrong at all. It is not a deceit it just is. The worst part for me is the isolation. I want people to notice to reach out and interact with me but my walls are too well built to show my turmoil. I occasionally ask for hugs and these help.

Very, very rarely I’ve asked for help. Yes I do have my own counselling but sometimes just a friend to be alongside is the better option. Knowing how to help others does not give you the power to help yourself!

On the 2 occasions I’ve asked for help lately, from people selected from an extremely small pool as I trust no one really, I’ve been ignored by one and carefully listened to by the other. It was a complete surprise to me which person did which as I pride myself on having excellent intuition.

I’m not writing this for sympathy more a catharsis…Also a reminder, if someone, particularly a usually private person asks for your ear for 5 minutes please give it to them. The effect can be truly life changing, the difference between circling the drain and entering it.

Jules

7 Responses to “A wolf in sheep’s clothing”

  1. Liz Donaghy Jan 3, 2013 at 1:36 am #

    Thank you for sharing your situation. It mirrors my own. Like you I find it very difficult to ask for support and my anger is not productive. I wish I had magic answers,I don’t. I have resolved to try to let my guard down a bit; don’t know if It’ll work. Time will tell. Take care.

  2. carolinerusga Jan 6, 2013 at 10:59 pm #

    You may laugh, smile and appear to the outside world as if there is nothing wrong at all.

    Wow that line really struck a chord for me. I’m fortunate not to suffer from any physical or mental illnesses but know people who do and one person told me they were at a football match with 30k+ other people and felt they were the only one there pretending to be ok. I doubt it but you probably know what they mean.I still feel sad when I think of it and you are so right, if someone lets you in to their world, their life and maybe their heart i say to everyone please please give them your ear and some of your time. My pal needed friends (both of the family variety and actual friends) to get them through and is out the other side because people did listen.

    Thank you for sharing this with me. You seem to me to worry more about others than yourself but never forget you are important too.

    @gargine

  3. Jason Preater Feb 1, 2013 at 7:37 pm #

    Knowing how to help others doesn’t give you the power to help yourself is true enough, but I think stretching out the hand of friendship, even if it is as flimsy as a comment on a blog, is a movement in the right direction.

  4. traveller47 Oct 19, 2013 at 7:47 am #

    Felt it from your profile! Been there, know the feeling. It was like living in a bubble just watching the world, participating but not being there…really. Like being turned inside out, all your internal organs being on the outside and if anyone gets near the pain is excruciating. Came within days of ending it all after many years of pain. Met a long lost friend and went for a walk with her and it all came out like a waterfall from my body, later married her and lived happily ever after, well best decision I ever made but a little of the pain is still there; like a feeling of guilt of what right have I to be here?

    • julieanneda Oct 19, 2013 at 8:08 am #

      Oh Thank you for honouring me by sharing your own situation. I cannot know your pain but I am so glad you found someone to, not only release your feelings with, but share your life with. Guilt is a bizarre emotion. True guilt is something to explore and use to make oneself a more empathetic considerate person in the future. I tentatively ask you is your guilt at being here true guilt or a false guilt? By that I mean it isn’t really something you need to own?
      Being here still, are you adding or taking away from the universe?
      If you are adding, which I suspect is the truth from your writings, the guilt is just as painful but it is false. X X

  5. traveller47 Oct 19, 2013 at 5:34 pm #

    Two voices, the black one and the white one, fighting each other. Logic says ignore the black one it is false. OK, so I ignore it, but it still raises its ugly little head from time to time despite having a loving, warm and safe relationship, (read wife). But as you say, it helps, albeit perhaps a little too much at times, with recognising the pain within others.

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