A wolf in sheep’s clothing

Chronic pain

Well time to come clean and share that I have a *hidden disability* I won’t bore you with many details just that I live in chronic constant pain. It has a few effects on my life that I resent. The first is decreased mobility at times a pain in the arse when you’ve always been highly active and the second is profound anger.

I am angry nearly all the time, with myself and with the world in general… if I don’t deal with my anger in an appropriate way it turns into another form of hidden disability *depression*.

A complete and utter dark blanket of melancholy descends isolating you from the realities of the world and those around you. You may laugh, smile and appear to the outside world as if there is nothing wrong at all. It is not a deceit it just is. The worst part for me is the isolation. I want people to notice to reach out and interact with me but my walls are too well built to show my turmoil. I occasionally ask for hugs and these help.

Very, very rarely I’ve asked for help. Yes I do have my own counselling but sometimes just a friend to be alongside is the better option. Knowing how to help others does not give you the power to help yourself!

On the 2 occasions I’ve asked for help lately, from people selected from an extremely small pool as I trust no one really, I’ve been ignored by one and carefully listened to by the other. It was a complete surprise to me which person did which as I pride myself on having excellent intuition.

I’m not writing this for sympathy more a catharsis…Also a reminder, if someone, particularly a usually private person asks for your ear for 5 minutes please give it to them. The effect can be truly life changing, the difference between circling the drain and entering it.


7 Responses to “A wolf in sheep’s clothing”

  1. Liz Donaghy January 3, 2013 at 1:36 am #

    Thank you for sharing your situation. It mirrors my own. Like you I find it very difficult to ask for support and my anger is not productive. I wish I had magic answers,I don’t. I have resolved to try to let my guard down a bit; don’t know if It’ll work. Time will tell. Take care.

  2. carolinerusga January 6, 2013 at 10:59 pm #

    You may laugh, smile and appear to the outside world as if there is nothing wrong at all.

    Wow that line really struck a chord for me. I’m fortunate not to suffer from any physical or mental illnesses but know people who do and one person told me they were at a football match with 30k+ other people and felt they were the only one there pretending to be ok. I doubt it but you probably know what they mean.I still feel sad when I think of it and you are so right, if someone lets you in to their world, their life and maybe their heart i say to everyone please please give them your ear and some of your time. My pal needed friends (both of the family variety and actual friends) to get them through and is out the other side because people did listen.

    Thank you for sharing this with me. You seem to me to worry more about others than yourself but never forget you are important too.


  3. Jason Preater February 1, 2013 at 7:37 pm #

    Knowing how to help others doesn’t give you the power to help yourself is true enough, but I think stretching out the hand of friendship, even if it is as flimsy as a comment on a blog, is a movement in the right direction.

  4. traveller47 October 19, 2013 at 7:47 am #

    Felt it from your profile! Been there, know the feeling. It was like living in a bubble just watching the world, participating but not being there…really. Like being turned inside out, all your internal organs being on the outside and if anyone gets near the pain is excruciating. Came within days of ending it all after many years of pain. Met a long lost friend and went for a walk with her and it all came out like a waterfall from my body, later married her and lived happily ever after, well best decision I ever made but a little of the pain is still there; like a feeling of guilt of what right have I to be here?

    • julieanneda October 19, 2013 at 8:08 am #

      Oh Thank you for honouring me by sharing your own situation. I cannot know your pain but I am so glad you found someone to, not only release your feelings with, but share your life with. Guilt is a bizarre emotion. True guilt is something to explore and use to make oneself a more empathetic considerate person in the future. I tentatively ask you is your guilt at being here true guilt or a false guilt? By that I mean it isn’t really something you need to own?
      Being here still, are you adding or taking away from the universe?
      If you are adding, which I suspect is the truth from your writings, the guilt is just as painful but it is false. X X

  5. traveller47 October 19, 2013 at 5:34 pm #

    Two voices, the black one and the white one, fighting each other. Logic says ignore the black one it is false. OK, so I ignore it, but it still raises its ugly little head from time to time despite having a loving, warm and safe relationship, (read wife). But as you say, it helps, albeit perhaps a little too much at times, with recognising the pain within others.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Disappointed Idealist

Ranting from the chalkface

Wildlife & Eco Gardens

Passionate organic gardeners


Life and the Garden

This little life of mine.

Living the nightmare with a smile on my face.


Politics For The People


Changing Lives Through Learning

Bert Fulks

Fall. Surrender. Restore. Rise. Repeat.

@PoliceGuvnor - The realities of policing

Follow me on Twitter or Facebook @PoliceGuvnor

Stop Deforestation

Deforestation. Endangered Species.

Graham Wettone

Policing Commentator

The Patchwork Banana

life, love, nature, musings

Square Cop In A Round World

A former cop taking on tough subjects

In Saner Thought

"It is the duty of every man, as far as his ability extends, to detect and expose delusion and error"..Thomas Paine

Cops Against

Find Your Voice

The Secret Barrister

Independent Blogger of the Year, The Comment Awards 2016

Burn Punk London

Just another WordPress.com site


My views on current issues


Fucked In-pain Neurotic etc

The Hippy Geek

One woman's experience of balancing nature and nerd.

The Militant Negro™

Poetry. Politics. Food. Art. Thoughts. Ideas. Opinions. Facts. Truth.

Depressed Detective

30 Year old UK Police Detective, with some Depression, Anxiety and Insomnia issues.

BSC Policing Network

Connecting Policing Researchers In The UK And Beyond


...and a few more of my favourite things

Dave Throup

Environment Agency Manager for Herefordshire and Worcestershire


Feminist activist & researcher.


Just another WordPress.com site

Britain Isn't Eating

The Tory Govn, killing the unemployed, the poor, vulnerable, sick & disabled since 2010.

Ex-PTSD Detective

Retired after thirty years in police. Will dedicate my time to assist all those suffering with PTSD. Will continue to expose the corruption that exists in British policing

SPeye Joe (Welfarewrites)

Joe Halewood writes about tenant and welfare wrongs

Walk a Mile in My Shoes

A walk around the edge of the UK making a noise about mental health


The Human Side of Police Work

Flibbertigibbet News

The Truth about Goats


the strongest smile is the one that holds back a tough girls tears. #mentalhealth #recovery From service user to staff nurse but always a stigma warrior...

Finn's Story

The life of a police dog called Finn

Abdullah Imad

I'm not an expert on 'Police use of force'. All I'm doing is using common sense to debunk crooked claims made against the Police!

Take It Easy

Retired, not expired: words from the after(work)life - with occasional music

Saved to Serve

Now then, we are ambassadors for Christ as though God were making his appeal through us.

Exploring Youth Issues

Alan Mackie PhD Student @ Edinburgh University

Media Meditations

500 Words on media, politics, and current events

%d bloggers like this: