14 Jul


Today my brother starts the first of 12 cycles of Folfox chemotherapy, we shared jovial texts this morning.  I can’t imagine how he is feeling or how he is going to feel in the weeks ahead.

I do know that without the NHS he wouldn’t be able to afford the treatment so I am extremely thankful that it still exists.

It’s weird, but I am feeling a curious mix of introspection and extrospection.  The minutiae of life seem as overwhelming as the largese of existence.  I’m musing on whether we are what we perceive ourselves to be, or whether we are what the sum of our actions have made us.  Is it neither or both?

Humanity is such a weird thing, we exist in our own thoughts and those who think about us, is this temporal?

I grieve for so many things that I feel are unjust in the world, they affect me and the way I behave.  Do I only *care* about injustice because of the sense of righteousness is gives me?  Would it be easier to be callously uncaring: robotic?  Possibly, but that would be denying part of what I feel makes me me.

Why am I feeling my brother’s chemo more from the perspective of its impact on me and my children than my brother?  Why does that change within any given moment?

Why do questions like that comfort me more than concrete answers?

Whatever is happening in your world today I hope you find peace,  today all I can manage is chaos




5 Responses to “Thoughts”

  1. retiredandangry July 14, 2015 at 8:21 am #

    Whatever the answers to your questions, I wish your brother well

  2. maxjfreeman July 14, 2015 at 6:46 pm #

    Love this piece Jules. Its ok to question our motives isnt it? Whatever brings us peace. I hope your brother gets on well with the chemo Jules,and though I don’t know him, if it was me, I’d really appreciate someone sending jovial messages, rather than maudlin, (though sincere), best wishes.

    Stay safe sister.

    • julieanneda July 14, 2015 at 7:07 pm #

      Thanks Max, he did and I appreciate your comment, feels like I’m being both heard and understood.
      I tend to question everything: I find the thought trains that accompany questioning a comfort, certainties seem so *rigid*

  3. traveller47 July 14, 2015 at 9:18 pm #

    I have often asked myself that question Julie-Anne, especially when I have lost somebody I cared for. I came to the conclusion that perhaps I was thinking more about ME losing somebody than of the person themselves. It’s a really difficult subject….but then you do keep bringing up difficult subjects making us think when we much prefer that warm cotton woolly felling of lethargy.

    • julieanneda July 14, 2015 at 9:21 pm #

      Thank you Stephen, you know me: question everything, especially yourself 😊

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Disappointed Idealist

Ranting from the chalkface

Wildlife & Eco Gardens

Passionate organic gardeners


Life and the Garden

This little life of mine.

Living the nightmare with a smile on my face.


Politics For The People


Changing Lives Through Learning

Bert Fulks

Fall. Surrender. Restore. Rise. Repeat.

@PoliceGuvnor - The realities of policing

Follow me on Twitter or Facebook @PoliceGuvnor

Stop Deforestation

Deforestation. Endangered Species.

Graham Wettone

Policing Commentator

The Patchwork Banana

life, love, nature, musings

Square Cop In A Round World

A former cop taking on tough subjects

In Saner Thought

"It is the duty of every man, as far as his ability extends, to detect and expose delusion and error"..Thomas Paine

Cops Against

Find Your Voice

The Secret Barrister

Independent Blogger of the Year, The Comment Awards 2016

Burn Punk London

Just another site


My views on current issues


Fucked In-pain Neurotic etc

The Hippy Geek

One woman's experience of balancing nature and nerd.

The Militant Negro™

Poetry. Politics. Food. Art. Thoughts. Ideas. Opinions. Facts. Truth.

Depressed Detective

30 Year old UK Police Detective, with some Depression, Anxiety and Insomnia issues.

BSC Policing Network

Connecting Policing Researchers In The UK And Beyond


...and a few more of my favourite things

Dave Throup

Environment Agency Manager for Herefordshire and Worcestershire


Feminist activist & researcher.


Just another site

Britain Isn't Eating

The Tory Govn, killing the unemployed, the poor, vulnerable, sick & disabled since 2010.

Ex-PTSD Detective

Retired after thirty years in police. Will dedicate my time to assist all those suffering with PTSD. Will continue to expose the corruption that exists in British policing

SPeye Joe (Welfarewrites)

Joe Halewood writes about tenant and welfare wrongs

Walk a Mile in My Shoes

A walk around the edge of the UK making a noise about mental health


The Human Side of Police Work

Flibbertigibbet News

The Truth about Goats


the strongest smile is the one that holds back a tough girls tears. #mentalhealth #recovery From service user to staff nurse but always a stigma warrior...

Finn's Story

The life of a police dog called Finn

Abdullah Imad

I'm not an expert on 'Police use of force'. All I'm doing is using common sense to debunk crooked claims made against the Police!

Take It Easy

Retired, not expired: words from the after(work)life - with occasional music

Saved to Serve

Now then, we are ambassadors for Christ as though God were making his appeal through us.

Exploring Youth Issues

Alan Mackie PhD Student @ Edinburgh University

Media Meditations

500 Words on media, politics, and current events

%d bloggers like this: