14 Jul


Today my brother starts the first of 12 cycles of Folfox chemotherapy, we shared jovial texts this morning.  I can’t imagine how he is feeling or how he is going to feel in the weeks ahead.

I do know that without the NHS he wouldn’t be able to afford the treatment so I am extremely thankful that it still exists.

It’s weird, but I am feeling a curious mix of introspection and extrospection.  The minutiae of life seem as overwhelming as the largese of existence.  I’m musing on whether we are what we perceive ourselves to be, or whether we are what the sum of our actions have made us.  Is it neither or both?

Humanity is such a weird thing, we exist in our own thoughts and those who think about us, is this temporal?

I grieve for so many things that I feel are unjust in the world, they affect me and the way I behave.  Do I only *care* about injustice because of the sense of righteousness is gives me?  Would it be easier to be callously uncaring: robotic?  Possibly, but that would be denying part of what I feel makes me me.

Why am I feeling my brother’s chemo more from the perspective of its impact on me and my children than my brother?  Why does that change within any given moment?

Why do questions like that comfort me more than concrete answers?

Whatever is happening in your world today I hope you find peace,  today all I can manage is chaos



5 Responses to “Thoughts”

  1. retiredandangry Jul 14, 2015 at 8:21 am #

    Whatever the answers to your questions, I wish your brother well

  2. maxjfreeman Jul 14, 2015 at 6:46 pm #

    Love this piece Jules. Its ok to question our motives isnt it? Whatever brings us peace. I hope your brother gets on well with the chemo Jules,and though I don’t know him, if it was me, I’d really appreciate someone sending jovial messages, rather than maudlin, (though sincere), best wishes.

    Stay safe sister.

    • julieanneda Jul 14, 2015 at 7:07 pm #

      Thanks Max, he did and I appreciate your comment, feels like I’m being both heard and understood.
      I tend to question everything: I find the thought trains that accompany questioning a comfort, certainties seem so *rigid*

  3. traveller47 Jul 14, 2015 at 9:18 pm #

    I have often asked myself that question Julie-Anne, especially when I have lost somebody I cared for. I came to the conclusion that perhaps I was thinking more about ME losing somebody than of the person themselves. It’s a really difficult subject….but then you do keep bringing up difficult subjects making us think when we much prefer that warm cotton woolly felling of lethargy.

    • julieanneda Jul 14, 2015 at 9:21 pm #

      Thank you Stephen, you know me: question everything, especially yourself 😊

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