Preferences

1 Mar

It-is-my-nature-to-be-kind

Those who have known me for a while on Twitter as @julieanneda will have probably noticed I’ve been depressed moody and down since around Christmas…This has been due to some triggers in both my real and online lives which I have decided to face.

If you have read my previous blog: julieanneda.wordpress.com/2013/…/the-mouseroars-for-the-firsttim…  ‎you will have noticed I allude to an incident that caused me to withdraw into a shell and I did not disclose.  I am not going to talk about that except to say I was raped at 14 by a person in authority, suited and booted who should have known better.  That is by the by but it made me deeply distrustful of anyone in authority, especially wearing a suit and well groomed.

Moving swiftly on to the summer after the Mouse roared… I was on holiday sitting a distance from my parents totally absorbed in a book when some men in jeans and leathers came nearby , drinking and being rowdy.  I chose to ignore them, I had made being invisible an artform, yet it was not to be.

One of them decided to have a bit of fun and set alight to the dry grass at my bare feet.  The Mouse would not accept this behaviour so I grabbed his beer glass and poured the contents on the flames and stood up certainly ready to fight.  The look of shock on his face and the laughter of the other 6 men stopped when they saw this.  For whatever reason he smiled clapped me on the back and said, “You’re alright you.”  I knew motorcyclists, my parents rode, but I had never met any of these guys with pretty wings embroidered onto their jackets before so in my naivety I still didn’t back down!  “Who do you think you are to tell me I’m alright?” I shouted at him.  “Why don’t you grow a pair and back off?”  Yep, lucky huh?

He proceeded to apologise became a completely different person, asked if he could sit, sent his mate to get another drink for him and a soft drink for me and we spent a pleasant few hours discussing the book I was reading  One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn.

Intellectual, kind, funny and interesting… Was that how you thought it would end?  Dirtbox became a really good mate, I became deeply involved in that subculture confident that no one would cross me, confident that I was totally and unquestionably accepted for who I was, how I was no more no less.  No one ever crossed me more than once 😉 I was proficient in self defence, backdown stares and much more if needed.

This culture was my family, they had rules, they had a code.  We always stopped to help broken down bikes… we always stopped to help broken down cars with young kids, lone women or elderly people in them, we were on call to do blood runs for hospital.  Yeah there was a deeply murky side too.  All was well until I broke the *rules* then I had to leave to keep my life.  I will not talk more about that either for now but hiding and living in a tent on your own in the snow is not too much fun.  So now I had learned that neither culture were truly totally accepting.

Wind on to my present adult self.  (here is the superficiality bit in case you were wondering)  I do not judge people by how they look, dress or what cultural group they come from.  I learnt it makes no difference if you are considered an outcast so I have made the conscious choice to accept people by how they *feel* to me.  I am still hypervigilant for danger and can spot the slight moves for possible weapons etc very quickly and protect myself by not placing myself in dangerous situations mostly 🙂

That feeling how a person interacts with others, how they interact with me defines how I accept them.  Sometimes it equips me to see hidden qualities and depths that others may overlook.  Mostly I trust this over and above anything else in the world, but I don’t let people close to me.  I have chosen to be as independent as is possible whilst still being in a family and society.  Now I have found I am an outcast still by my own arrogance.  I have in my search for a true friend made a few almost catastrophic errors.  I have asked another for their opinion as I felt too low to trust my own instincts BIG MISTAKE.  I learned that I too am superficial at times despite it being the one thing I despise most in the world.

So now I’ve got all that off my chest I feel so much better!  There is more but not for today.  As it is personal and my thoughts I don’t actually give a monkey’s if anyone doesn’t like it or wants to criticise and pick holes…I’d refer you to the promise at the top of the page…

Jules 🙂

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One Response to “Preferences”

  1. jane marcantel March 4, 2013 at 9:24 pm #

    jules..sink or swim kid…and you swim like a bloody dolphin.!!! being you can sometimes be the hardest thing of all.and people might not like it..but if you’re not you..you won’t like it and that’s more important than anything that anyone thinks..

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